Ideally she should have the long nose, bright eyes, hair upto the shoulders, uhm, and lots of wit. What with the ‘she’ being a woman in this case. I am really confused. I am not supposed to get crushes. I am not supposed to digress from the priorities of my life. Maybe I’l never go anywhere near a fashion show again…or maybe, maybe not. Maybe I’l go at the next possible chance. Next week, maybe?

This is confusing. And Pachelbel isn’t helping either. I feel at ease. When I know I shouldn’t. I have to feel uncomfortable. Sadistic as it may sound, I think I should turn up the volume on some Manson tonight. Hey, it’s not like I am going to whack myself with a tree branch and jump into ice water!

give it break. Socializing is hard, harder when you resist. Hardest when it’s me. I am me. I guess.

*used without permission. Sue me. Or hit me really hard with a balloon full of  rocks. Your choice.

1. The nosey aunties who have got nothing to say but rant about how the youth sucks because they are stereotyping the westerners. Ask them to define a westerner and all they can say is “oh well…uhm, you know, those hip people with…uhm, no culture and no values and whatever…they eat beef for god’s sake! isn’t that barbaric?” and so on. Barbaric my ass. Sri Lankans eat their fair share of meat too. It’s just that the cow is so domesticated that eating it would feel like, well, eating a dalmatian. Examples anyone? And of course the dear aunties have nothing to say about fish and chicken. gah.

2. The starers. You get them everywhere. Everywhere I go, there’s someone who just won’t stope staring. Okay so although I AM a Sri Lankan, I don’t look much like it with the not so black hair and the fair skin but what the heck? what’s the big deal if I look like I’m not from around here? Oh I get it! I am a barbarian right? Ha. Fine. It’s just plain bad manners to do that no one seems to have taught these louts anything about it. Get on a bus and all they do is stare, stare and stare. Just makes my head boil, that’s what.

3. The analytical politicians. They appear, mostly in the form of jobless uncles who happen to be pensioners, chilling it out on their home turfs with the newspapers. Listening to their adolescent daughters bitch and wail about the their co-workers who are total bitches who bitch about every bitching thing at work. Oh I really, really feel for those uncles. The poor old dears, but still, I don’t see any reason so as to why they should walk around the place making life living misery for others around them. Meet one one the road and he’l give you a complete analysis of either Mahinda Rajapakse and the Cabinet of Monkeys or the Obama and the LTTE perverts. It’s sickening really, I never watch the local news because it’s all a big lie. (same applies to CNN, least they’ve got nice newsreaders, unlike SLBC, which features…oh I’l pass) But did I stop watching the news so that I could subscribe to the local fat bottom news station? no way! I’d rather go date a giraffe.

4.The gory patriots. If you know enough about the Pearl of the Indian Ocean, you’d most probably know something of the pseudo ethical conflict that’s going on somewhere North. Pseudo ethical because in essence it is NOT an ethical conflict. It’s just two prissy leaders using men (and children) to fight for them in a battle that’s never going to end. Honestly, do you think everything’s going to be over the moment the LTTE surrenders? No way. The war has been here for aeons. And so it has etched it’s mark deep inside the minds of the beautiful people. There’s just no stopping it. Oh, I digress. The patriots. Okay, here’s the deal. Every evening, there is a special feature on radio called news where they read out the numbers, statistics and facts and figures of the ongoing war (oh the pseudo whatever ethical conflict) And that’s where the patriots rise. To them, the war is merely a number game. If more terrorists die, they are happy because we are winning. If it’s the other way around, they convert themselves into the above mentioned stereotype at the blink of an eye and go out hunting for a poor victim who’s evening they could ruin by gloating hordes of useless information at them, (cess pits and shit pipes).

5. The parlimentarians. Honestly, I don’t even have to go there right now. So I’l just get on with the name calling part. The Parliament, I feel, is full of lousy old dickheads that deserve to go selling fish in Manning market than resort to improving the country. Of course they aren’t improving the country. They are fucking it up. Even as I type this up…they are raping the beautiful country. Soon, there won’t be any left. And I’m sure about that.

And going on about the parliamentarians reminds me of the countless number of taxes the government is imposing these days. It’s bad enough the vehicles are priced like air brushed russian whores. Which should be more than enough to explain why you are never likely to see me drive around in a car. In this country. Hey Mr. President, how about a Moustache Tax? I see you’ve got one. Or is it fake like the many other things that you have and flank around the place?

I don’t think I really wanna know that. Anyways, It’s high time I hit the sack.

The after exam world is just the same as the pre-exam world. The sun acts the same way and the rain clouds are always there to spoil my day. The days are just the same and the parents behave just the same. Annoying. Irritating. And Just as nosey. I keep wondering whether I have got a board on my forehead saying KID. What-the-heck-I-can-manage-my-own-damn-room-thank-you-very-much!

But still, I realise that I have changed big time over certain things. Only today I came across the notes on my phone which I typed up during the Advanced Level exams. What can I say, I am a wonderfully weird and nerdy person (with traces of clown DNA, wonder where I got that from) And yes, as you guessed, I am about to exhibit them on my blog. Right now, right here. What? you’ve got to be more careful with your facial expressions you know. Frankly, it looked as if you were about to puke!

Ps: my heartfelt apologies if I make you go to sleep. I can be such a show off at times.

1st of August

Anticipation is like a python. There is no poison involved yet it kills by taking it’s time. Which it has in abundance. A python has got my brain.

Motivation is something that you never have to ask for. Look around, it’s everywhere. What that matters is how you see it.

My wrist watch has started to jam. Usually it’s a twenty minute gap from the real world…or…maybe, maybe I’m living twenty minutes behind. Either way, it’s starting to annoy me. I’d rather have one that goes faster.

Amazing how past papers can take you to the past. Especially when you know you did them the last year, and the year before.

2nd of August

The way people act around me… it makes me feel like an old man who is about to expire. Everyone’s being so nice, so kind, I feel impolite.

As I work, I can hear the little kid next door throwing a temper tantrum. Her parents are like that too. Which reminds me of mine. They never fought when I was a kid. No wonder I am so silent.

Convenience keeps throwing me from one to place to another. All I can do is pack my belongings and move whenever they want me to. Which is almost always.

I am an invisible eyeball. I can see a lot of things yet no one has ever really seen me. Or my insides.

5th of August

Pure math and a little bit of random-nesia settles as the nerves strike their usual surprise attack just before an exam. No butterflies in the stomach and no hazy eyes. Everything’s so clear and my mind is hyper-sensitive. The experience alone is worth the retake.

But it feels like my ears are blocked. Gah. The adaptability of the human mind is amazing. And the lamp shades are so clean. Clean except for this one small spider web that I do not feel like wiping.

*the little boy remembers the warning. Yet he reaches for the cookie jar with a bleeding hand*

Maybe everything will go wrong and shatter if i wipe out that solitary spider web. Walls will crumble and palaces might shatter, crushing the hopes and the efforts of seven lonesome months of hard labour. Seven months of slavery that i spent in soul confinement. My period of bipolar festivals.

All i want is for that to go. I’ve had enough of bipolar and I’ve had more than enough of insoluble solids that float inside my brain. They blur my vision.

I see many roads, no signs or vehicles. The vehicles will come when the hands are in perfect position and the signs might, they just might become visible once I get in.

Missed the first bus. I am getting in the second. No way I’m going to miss this. It’s not my last opportunity, or my first. There have been many and I know there will. It’s just a matter of perception over choice and skill over dilligence. This one is not coming back.

The next could be better, or worse. But I can’t worry about that right now, i’d rather concentrate on this and give it my 200%.

I am doing this.

10.52 pm 5 th August

That’s all. I wish me all the best.

2008 08 07 five something pm

I have broken every rule imaginable. I played the guitar, watched tv and used the handphone. Which explains this anyway, oh crap.

I am not demoralized. A little confused maybe. And at a loss about myself and where I want to go.

The junctions are back and they’re still the very same. Absolutely no signs. And the hand that holds the cookie jar feels as if it’s bleeding. Maybe I should blame sports science. But I shouldn’t have tried television anyway.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re left by yourself at home when you’re in the middle of a stubborn exam that just refuses to give in? Oh and add the fact that there’s nothing to eat.

Which should explain the raw tuna that I ate straight off the tin. Heck, am I surviving or what? Huh? Huh?

I hate the Advanced Levels. I hate the fact that I am doing it for the second time. I hate myself for picking subjects with my friends. And I hate the fact that I flunked it the last time. And I hate the fact that I am hating everything when I am supposed to be revising hard and strong for applied math that I have tomorrow. Oh and I hate tomorrow.

And I hate my father’s blackberry.

Still, I think I should revise a bit more. Today shalt be the last day I spend revising math, studying math, whatever. If math doesn’t want me, I’l find something else that does.

Seriously.

8th August

Eighth of eight, twothou and eight

Something’s way wrong with the emotional range. And it’s like a cos curve where i have varying moods of different values everyday.

Usually the variation is minus one to plus one.

At times, it takes the tan curve and goes the unimaginable infinite distances. Happy when I should be sad and sad when I shouldn’t. Got a text wishing me good luck.

Another of those little things that keep me going.

Of course it’s like hell’s frozen over when my grandma’s on the phone. What the hell, she seems to be under the impression that I’m doing some god damned pre school paper for ALs. Read and re-read the whole paper? Answer all the questions? I might as well start crossing the T’s. Urgh! I know I should do something to stop her, but what?

And I know that I am disgusting. I know it because now, I want to be someone’s better half. Anyone’s. It doesn’t matter who really, I want to experience and experiment just like any other twenty year old and  well, isn’t it digusting? I want to be emotionally detached like all the people I look up to and ‘like’.

And it’s depressing because somehow, I always manage to screw things up in the end. Tool is the ideal solution though something’s always between me and it. And that too, is not good.

Looking back I see that the math was not as effin’ as I thought it’d be. I hope I don’t flunk it. I don’t want to flunk an exam again, ever, because that would make it the first second time. The first first time was last year. And I came across a note I made on my table, exactly one year back. Well, what was I to do, I updated it. Hope there won’t be anymore er updates on my table.

I really need to fall in love. And I really need to fantasize. And I’m really tired. God, seven months and this makes it the eighth. I feel genuine Rage against the Machine.

Faith No more. Not ever. Love, maybe. And more humane feelings, if you may.

A little bit more? And more?

Feels like Oliver, asking for more.

9th August

Last two hours off the ninth

One week into the future,I’l be looking forward to adding the finishing touches to the chemistry paper. Right now though, that looks aeons away. Not fair. Maybe Einstein was spot on about the relativity. Things have a strange manner of slowing up and giving me screen by screen views that I never asked for. Of course it would be nice, provided that the frame by frame view turned on when the neighbourhood mutts are growling at me. Sadly, it never does.

And I always end up doing some hard baseball pitching with the stones on the roadside. Eurgh. You guessed right, not fair.

And earlier on, I found that I had successfully forgotten all the formulaes of magnetic flux. Nice isn’t it? Not fair. Again. When I think back and recall that I was the fastest kid in class with the magnetic flux questions. Ah, I feel betrayed. Maybe magnetic flux doesn’t like me. Brr. Not fair.

10th of August

Tenth’d

Doing this a little earlier on because I need to get on with the past papers during the latter half of the tenth, that is today.

And I plucked half the leaves off the plant in my balcony because I was gardening to free my mind.

And I finished off all the credits on my phone browsing random web sites because, oh well, then I’d be able to switch off the phone and forget all about it, which is exactly what I am not doing.

Actually, that was the day before yesterday but I put it in here anyway because I like to see lots of ‘because’s in here. Makes me feel like I’m making up excuses. Oh well…

I’m quite happy with my physics knowledge and I find myself constantly talking to myself. Thinking of things that I’d do once all of this is over and left behind. Of course the chemistry is there too, but please, haven’t I done enough of past papers already?

I am like an animal. Pushing pushing pushing without knowing where I’m pushing anyway. Why? Because.

13th of August

Testing one two and a three

Oh how I love repeating the fact that I’m a clean freak. And today I cleaned out the whole wardrobe, bottom drawer and all. This is a list of what I found:

2 dissected and completely unusable (abused) laptop computers, which I threw away promptly (keeping in mind the safety rules for the disposal of toxic and explosive waste. Blahblah)

1 working laptop which operates on Windows 2000, which I adopted asap as my second son.

1 old hack of a computer that I got for free, yeah yeah, the gift horse and the broken tooth, I know. It has an 8gb hard disk that is full of power metal and other types of metal. 4 days to go til I switch it on.

An old shoe, and god knows how it got there, or to whom it belongs to. So I threw it away anyway.

The wristwatch that I cracked open last year when I fell out of a bus. Oh boy the memories.

Lots and lots of batteries. Some working, some totally drained. Why are you reading this anyway?

I want to be a psychologist when I grow up. And that’s the first time I’ve said it out loud.

Or a professor in human blah whatever-o-logy. These humans are fascinating, don’t you think?

I need more mangoes. And beans. And balloons. And I’l fill up my wardrobe with them. And sleep in there with the lights on.

Ha.